Toyota Ditches Current Lineup, Goes RWD Only

"MtrRider Just Wants Doritos" (MtrRider) 11/07/2013 at 08:00 • Filed to: satire

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Toyota, long lambasted by enthusiast press for making boring economy cars, has just announced plans to cancel the Yaris, Matrix, Corolla, Camry, Prius and Avalon and replace them with a lineup of rear wheel drive sedans and coupes. The worlds largest automaker announced the plans to completely revamp their lineup after CEO Akio Toyoda drove a GT86 at Fuji Speedway Tuesday. "The car was fun" he said. "It handles better than the others. I want all cars to be like this."

The Corolla is planned to be replaced by a small car based on the GT86 platform, while the replacements for the Camry and Avalon will use a modified, short wheelbase version of the Lexus GS platform. Further, Toyota announced the Prius line will be replaced with a compact, rear wheel drive diesel station wagon. All cars are planned to offer manual transmissions as standard across all trim levels.

In an effort to make the cars appeal to young people, a wide array of TRD parts will be available from the factory on all models to increase customization. No word yet on exactly how extensive this factory parts catalog will be, but parts are said to range from shocks and springs to turbochargers and ECU reflashes. All TRD parts will reportedly be covered under warranty.

Reports from deep within Toyota also suggest a high end sports coupe project is in the works, reportedly dubbed "2000 GT". We currently have nothing more to report on that project, although our source says it will be "fucking beautiful".

We'll let you know when we have more information.

TheOnelectronic > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 01:42

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Damn you!

OkCars- 22k Crossroads > TheOnelectronic 11/07/2013 at 08:03

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is it fake or what?

Alex87f > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:03

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I hate for writing this because I liked nearly every single point of it.

The funny thing is, it reminds me of the "All Alfas will go RWD rumor" that has been pushed around lately. Which had just as much credibility....

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:03

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Lol, but this will suffice for me.

MoparKetchup > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:03

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Derpwagon > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:11

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In all seriousness, I think a sedan mounted on the 86 platform would sell, especially if they reintroduced the Trueno or Levin nameplate.

Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower > Alex87f 11/07/2013 at 08:16

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One can only hope it's true, though.

aquila121 > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:19

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This is what would happen if Oppo/Jalopnik started its own car company. Who's giga-rich? Let's make it happen. =)

THOMAS5 > aquila121 11/07/2013 at 08:22

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There was some article written by someone who has a Gallardo. Lets steal it

Carl (@stuffcarlsays) > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:27

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notahater > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:34

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I am hoping that some day, a car company will do exactly that!

Meanwhile, I am going to keep buying lottery cards, knowing that it's probably got bigger odds of happening / le sigh :-(

Quattro-luvr, Powered by Datsun & Stinger > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:35

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Did I go through a time portal this morning and arrive at April 1st?

doodon2whls > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 08:54

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m2m, apex detective > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 09:01

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Damn nice move if it's all true.

GO AKIO! *fangirl*

If not ... which I'm tempted to believe ... oh well. :(

getchapopcorn > doodon2whls 11/07/2013 at 09:13

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glitch in the Matrix

getchapopcorn > Quattro-luvr, Powered by Datsun & Stinger 11/07/2013 at 09:13

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glitch in the Matrix

andriukas > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 10:02

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BarryDanger > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 10:09

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Further, Toyota announced the Prius line will be replaced with a compact, rear wheel drive diesel station wagon

You had me going until this

Casper > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 10:12

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If only it were true... but alas, the all mighty budget has ensured Toyota is about as far from this capability as it can be.

Kugelblitz > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 10:25

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BoxerFanatic, troublesome iconoclast. > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/07/2013 at 11:07

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That is about as likely as all of them being based on a modified Subaru chassis, and all toyotas being built in Subaru's Gunma factory.

As in... not likely to even be possible.

TheOnelectronic > OkCars- 22k Crossroads 11/07/2013 at 17:43

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The tag is/was "Satire"

OkCars- 22k Crossroads > TheOnelectronic 11/07/2013 at 17:52

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gotcha

PRBot II > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/08/2013 at 09:20

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You post a lot of good stuff to Oppo, man. This is awesome... I love how many people didn't recognize the satire!

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > PRBot II 11/08/2013 at 14:07

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I thought it would get more love than it did - it took like 15 minutes to write that shit!

PRBot II > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/08/2013 at 14:47

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Yeah on second thought, I don't really love how many people didn't recognize the satire. Oppo's usually pretty quick on the draw. I'm kinda scratching my head on this one.

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > PRBot II 11/08/2013 at 16:58

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Same. I mean, satire is something a lot of people don't really get (the number of Onion articles picked up by major news agencies is one example) but I thought there were some pretty obvious hints in there. Like replacing the Prius with a diesel wagon.

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > OkCars- 22k Crossroads 11/08/2013 at 18:07

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It's satire. Like the Onion, only with more oppo.

PRBot II > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/08/2013 at 19:40

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Seriously. It definitely was obvious. Like really, Toyota going all RWD? Unpossibru.

I got a similar reaction on a satirical post I did on Godzilla . People these days, I tell ya.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > PRBot II 11/08/2013 at 20:01

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That car looks like it's contemplating suicide.

Sometimes people just can't read between the lines. Which is odd because, as you said, most Opponauts are pretty bright people.

PRBot II > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/08/2013 at 20:11

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Satire separates the Opponauts from the Oppo-nots.

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > PRBot II 11/08/2013 at 20:13

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pfftballer > BoxerFanatic, troublesome iconoclast. 11/09/2013 at 00:11

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LOL You poor Subaru fanboys just hate having to share credit for the GT86 don't you?

BoxerFanatic, troublesome iconoclast. > pfftballer 11/09/2013 at 16:34

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No, I hate that there still isn't an affordable AWD sport coupe on the market, while Subaru builds Toyota's new-effort to de-beige-ify RWD cars for them, while Toyota takes the credit for it, when they didn't even have a platform to start from.

Ian Duer (320b) > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:37

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I want to laugh at the clever satire, but it makes me want to cry instead because of how much I wish it was real.

Poundingsand > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:37

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Thank you for this brief glimpse into an alternate reality.

Now I am sad.

isnewton > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:40

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Hahahaha what would happen if this was actually true?

STIKleinWagon > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:45

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Is it April 1 already? HOW LONG WAS I SLEEPING? WHAT YEAR IS IT?

Random Commenter > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:49

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Damn you. Not cool. I was seriously hoping there was something to this when I read the blurb in today's best of Opposite Lock... I thought maybe it was based on something from some Japanese mag or something. ... Damn you, again. *pounds fist on desk*

JDIGGS > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 14:51

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THE FUNNY PART IS THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THE FR-S WAS BUILT.

Toyota themselves knew they were completely hopeless after so many years of the Yaris, Prius, Camry, Avalon. Cars that nobody likes or enjoys.

Ian Duer (320b) > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 15:34

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I was having trouble expressing how I feel about this. I think this clip is the most appropriate.

GunplaFighter! > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 16:23

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Akio! We want the Supra back!

tartilc > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 17:57

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LOL, I didn't see the tag, but I knew it couldn't be true right after first line :) If that happens, the world will end.

SubiSanchez > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 18:07

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SUCH CRUEL JOKE! I WILL NOW CLIMB INTO MY LIFTED '97 TACOMA AND DESTROY GRASS LAWN IN ANGER!!!!!! *Dead battery ticks* shit.......

Nick Walker > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 18:46

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....... And then you woke up.

wkiernan > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 18:53

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Oooh, Mazda better look out. Somebody else gets it.

No wait, you were kidding! As you were, Mazda!

REVGASM > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 19:03

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you bastard i got real fuckin exited over this

SPNKiX > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 19:15

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if only!

tommyscooter > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 20:10

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Isn't a bit early for an April Fools joke?

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > tommyscooter 11/13/2013 at 20:13

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It's satire. Like the Onion or Sniff Petrol. But if you only like jokes one April 1st, you can go back to your serious life knowing that if a post is tagged "satire" it's full of BS.

Trin-Engr > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/13/2013 at 23:13

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Okay, awesome as this was to read, the moment when I realized about 1/3 in that it was satire, I had the most incredible crushing feeling inside, like:

"Hey little Johnny, you're getting this awesome new bike for Christmas... oh wait, sorry, I meant your puppy just died."

Thanks a lot.

d3v > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 00:10

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Further, Toyota announced the Prius line will be replaced with a compact, rear wheel drive diesel station wagon.

Goddamn you for actually making me wish this were true now.

SgtHop > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 00:30

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MAAAAN.

You're an evil, evil person.

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > SgtHop 11/14/2013 at 00:40

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nauyop > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 00:55

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Finally back in the game. Hyundais and Kias smoked in 3, 2, 1...

basedgod > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 01:19

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Everybody in the world needs to up this article to show support that boring is bad and that you can still make a great car (read: reliable) that's also fun!

Fly_Dreams > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 02:14

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Okay, this feels way worse than a 10/10 naked chick who spread her legs waiting for you to ram it, and as you exhale she vanishes like a soap bubble... depressing.

IronNam > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 02:40

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Toyota plans to have a JZX100 Chaser revival in a new form, with a twin turbo 5.0L V8 with a 6spd manual, it would reminisce Toyota's 1/2JZ days.

Icyubnvs > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 07:10

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The reason this satire did not get much love is it cuts too deep.

Every jalop, hoon, petrol-head, gear-head, car geek on earth wishes to the bottom of their soul that something like this would truly happen.

You placed a plausible and mostly logical scenario of how a choice like this could come about.

The resulting emotion has a Robert Kennedy quality about it.

"There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

BrownMiataDieselWagon > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 09:32

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In other news, Honda has released plans of the new S2000 AP3.

TurboSloth > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 14:59

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At first, I didn't see the tag. I believed it until I saw they were going to cancel the Corolla and Camry. Nope. They're never discontinuing those.

Brian, The Life of > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 15:58

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I know this is tagged "satire" but I want to believe it so hard I'm going to pretend it's real for the rest of the day.

CarWrapGuy > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 16:38

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>rwd diesel wagon

would get better gas mileage than the prius.

Steven Solidarios > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 16:50

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Jeezus just give us the Supra again!

ilsubaru4ever > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 17:29

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kinda bullshit, i dont believe this

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > ilsubaru4ever 11/14/2013 at 17:31

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Did you see the tag?

Aaron > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 20:36

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You had me until the part about warranty

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > Aaron 11/14/2013 at 20:39

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Why? TRD offers a supercharger on the Tundra and it keeps the factory warranty.

My92SSEisn'taTardis > Carl (@stuffcarlsays) 11/14/2013 at 22:18

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You suck McBain!

*gunfire*

Captain_Spadaro > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/14/2013 at 22:34

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>checks date
>not April 1st
Guise
srsly

MeestahK > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/15/2013 at 00:12

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This almost sounds like late 80's early 90's Toyota. Back in the days when Toyota had fun cars like the Supra, MR2, and the Celica...especially their turbocharged versions (yeah I haven't forgotten about that Celica All-Trac). Hell, the JDM Corolla had the option for the 4A-GZE supercharged motor back then. Clearly Toyota needs to remember how awesome they could be with forced induction.

TheKarMann > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/15/2013 at 00:37

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I wasn't aware it was April 1st...

bradledy > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/15/2013 at 11:02

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Let's all invest in Toyota stock!!!!11

iDriveCode3 > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/15/2013 at 20:13

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I laughed. And then I cried a little.

GreenHunk > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/16/2013 at 23:16

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Fuck all of the haters here. This is the biggest positive move any car manufacturer has made in recent years. I'm stoked.

William Byrd > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 11/18/2013 at 11:55

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Fantastic

J S > BoxerFanatic, troublesome iconoclast. 12/31/2013 at 23:51

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Other than their numberous Lexus rear drive sedans, and the two Toyota transmissions the GT86 uses... right? Or the old Nissan 5EAT Subaru still uses, nor the German CVT they are trying the replace the Nissan holdover with?

Superdave312 > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 01/01/2014 at 01:08

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But all the Audi fans just told me complaining about FWD is "internet circle jerking"??

BoxerFanatic, troublesome iconoclast. > J S 01/01/2014 at 23:02

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Then why isn't Toyota GT86/Scion FRS built on the IS250?

Aisin, BTW, is a partially-owned toyota subsidiary that builds transmissions for them, and the Miata, BTW... Like Toyota partially owns Fuji Heavy Industries, the parent company of Subaru.

And JATCO is the multi-brand supplier that supplies many brands with transmissions, as does Bosch, Sachs, ZF, Getrag, and others.

Suppliers are suppliers, and suppliers tend to provide parts to multiple brands.

Having various supplier arrangements is not the same thing as a car model's platform.

And Toyota could have used the IS platform, which is a cut-down variant shared with GS and LS. But they didn't, because it would likely not be financially possible to sell a car on that platform at the price point the FRS/GT86 is offered.

They chopped up a GR Legacy/BL Legacy chassis, and moved the engine around to the point where AWD won't be possible, instead.

IWantATurboDieselPrius > BarryDanger 09/15/2015 at 19:08

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My thought was an RWD prius with a Cummins engine swap... then my hope died. And this also seems fake sadly.